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Re: Sex crazed turkeys attacking postal workers
A mob of sex-crazed wild turkeys in Madison, Wis., has been stalking and attacking a group of U.S. postal workers.
This is real. If you live in Madison, take precautions. This has nothing to do with the codeine I'm taking for my painful, aching, gout-afflicted feet. This is real, confirmed personally on Tuesday by the Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources.
Three postal workers have been attacked by mating turkeys. The turkeys have even stalked a few children.
"It's crazy, I know," said Eric Lobner, a Wisconsin DNR official who spoke to me on the phone Tuesday. "But it's real."
The turkeys, some as large as 40 pounds, with sharp, pointed beaks, have been jumping on the backs of mail carriers' legs, gobbling like maniacs, biting, scratching, rubbing that hideous red wobbly chin gristle against humans, all within city limits.
What really must be horrifying is that quiet moment, just before they attack. They peer out behind some shrubbery, their long necks craning, their turkey eyes fixing on non-suspecting human calves of mail carriers, and decide to either mate with, or kill those calves, or both.
"And we have no idea why. We're going to have a meeting tomorrow to determine what to do," Lobner said. "City officials, the DNR, and others. We'll meet and come up with a policy."
A plan of attack, against the wild, sex-crazed turkeys of Madison, has been required for some time now. But at first, officials probably hoped they'd just stop attacking people.
"You do understand that they can weigh 40 pounds. And when they come down on your leg, with their spurs, it can hurt," Lobner said.
Are your Wisconsin turkeys just a bunch of sex maniacs, the way male cocker spaniels can be sex maniacs, if they're not altered?
Just imagine a randy turkey running out from shrubbery, lusting after the legs of postal workers, lunging toward them, head bobbing forward, the way horny turkeys run. It's sickening.
"No. No. No," Lobner said. "That's your speculation, not mine. So please don't perpetuate that myth. The turkeys are sexually agitated, or active, because this is the breeding season. They might see the mail carriers as threats to their access to females."
Really? A carrier, with those black shoes, short white socks, hair on his calves, and he looks like a rival turkey?
"Or, well, we actually don't know. It's all speculation. We're going to have that meeting, and decide. We might end up trapping them and donating them to a homeless shelter," Lobner said.
Hopefully, not as pets, because the last thing a homeless man needs is a pet turkey.
For one thing, your wild sex-crazed turkeys are not housebroken. For another, with sex on their minds, the turkeys can't focus on tricks the way chickens can, counting and pecking on command, dancing on the sidewalk for quarters.
Wild turkeys are unpredictable. What if one started to dance on the corner, saw a few human calves and got excited?
Unless homeless men use them for watch-turkeys and tie that jiggly piece of red turkey neck fat (a wattle) with some string to a homeless guy's toe that way he could sleep and not have his stuff pilfered by random thieves.
Such a brave watch-turkey might fight to the death to protect his master's goods. Or he might just jump on his master's leg when master is sleeping.
"But they won't be pets. They'll be food," Lobner said.
Ah, but that's another problem. If you trap a wild turkey for food, sooner or later you have to kill it. But if you do, you know what will happen: Hordes of angry and leftist turkey lovers will demand that the turkeys be rescued, and the governor will get involved and offer them clemency, and the homeless guys won't get anything, as usual.
"Well, we might euthanize them," Lobner said.
Why not just chop their neck with a hatchet like when a great cook wants to make chicken cacciatore? But Lobner didn't answer, and I didn't expect him to answer against the tides of political correctness in Madison.
What could the poor man say?
Wisconsin is a strange place. A few years ago, the people became upset at all the baby songbirds being murdered by feral cats, and they came up with a feral cat bounty, but the feral cat lovers' society got together and killed that idea.
At least they're kind enough to allow blind men to hunt deer'”another thing that's absolutely true'”because blind men might not be able to see, but they can sure pull the trigger in Wisconsin if properly licensed, and if somebody trustworthy points the weapon.
But so far, they haven't been able to combat their sex-crazed wild turkeys. And pretty soon, as it gets warm, those mail carriers will want to wear shorts.
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