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Re: Todd Kerns- I like stuff-Blog
The Massage
March 30th, 2011
by Todd Kerns
March 30 2011
Caracas, Venezuela
So I find myself in Caracas, Venezuela after three sold out shows in Mexico City. All three shows were amazing. The audiences are out of this world. They sing every word and rock hard. Between songs they sing Ole ole ole ole Hey Slash! Hey Slash! It is crazy.
They swarmed our vehicle like villagers chasing Frankenstein’s monster. Surreal beyond belief.
They set up a little shanty town of bootlegged merchandise on the grounds of the venue which no one even attempts to discourage. Tent after tent of unlicensed, unsolicited merchandise. It looked like Slashland out there.
I have been a wreck since Hong Kong. I have never really experienced jet lag, per se. I mean, naturally, I’ve been exhausted after a long flight into a completely upside down time zone but I usually snap back pretty fast.
We had one day in Los Angeles, which was cursed with rain, then off to Mexico. Everyone in our entourage was up in the middle of the night wandering the hotel like zombies in search of food or any means of entertainment.
I spent my first day in Mexico pretty much in bed. I just could not bring myself to get up. As always it is the show where I feel best. You can have a headache or a stomach ache or whatever and as soon as those first chords of the first song kick in it’s gone. This is the main reason that I will be playing rock n roll til the day I die.
Of course as soon as the show was over I would return to exhaustion and general malaise. I really should have seen more of Mexico City but it took all I had to drag myself to Starbucks in the morning.
Luckily the guys in Mana, the biggest band in Mexico, had taken me out on the town when I first came to Mexico City a couple of years ago. They took me for awesome food and to night clubs where all the girls danced like they’re in a Ricky Martin video.
Alas, this trip was not the same.
Our security chief, Junior, was down and out on our first show day with what they like to call Montezuma’s Revenge. It is what happens to you if you do not heed the words, ‘don’t drink the water.’ What we all fail to realize is that the ice in your drink or the water the vegetables in your salad have been washed in is that same water. Poor Junior. He was laid out with an IV drip and everything. I did not envy him.
The President of Mexico was staying in our same hotel. How weird is that? They had security things set up like you were at the airport as you entered the hotel. Super annoying but what are you gonna do?
Once again, the Mexican audiences are the most fervent I have ever performed in front of. I cannot wait to see them again.
Yesterday we were up early to make our way to Miami for our connector to Venezuela.
After all these years of knowing Sandra Bullock I fell in love with her on that flight. You know what that’s like? You’ve known someone for a long time and didn’t really think of them ‘like that’ then all of a sudden, ‘Why didn’t I see this earlier?’
You know, I was there for the speeding bus, begrudgingly followed her through the undercover cop beauty pageants, even put up with her crap with Keanu and suddenly it hit me, ‘Sandra is wonderful!’
Of course it took her performance in Blind Side for me to realize all this.
I suppose it’s not her but her character that got me. Forceful, sassy but loving. Perfect woman. Love it.
Then she broke my heart by deciding to slum it with Ryan Reynolds. The Proposal? You can both do better than that!
If you haven’t figured it out by now I watched Blind Side on the plane from Mexico City to Miami. I hadn’t seen it before. I wouldn’t have paid a dime to see it because I associate her with dreck like the Lake House but it was good. She proved me wrong. Briefly.
But, as always, I digress…
Miami airport is a gong show. So many humans. Me, the Canadian-traveling with Americans-coming form Mexico-going to Venezuela? What? May as well paint a target on me for the customs officials.
Needless to say I got through. I’m in Venezuela aren’t I?
Tripe on that flight. You have to wonder what turn of events brings A listers like Harrison Ford, Dianne Keaton and my future ex wife, Rachel McAdams together to stew in drivel like Morning Glory but I’m assuming it has to do with the almighty dollar.
Harrison Ford’s Agent-They really want you to do this movie, Morning Glory
Harrison Ford-What’s it about?
Harrison Ford’s Agent-It’s about 10 million dollars for 3 weeks work
Harrison Ford-I’ll do it.
Not great but I’ll watch Rachel McAdams read the paper for 90 minutes. Not really cuz that would be borderline stalking and I never do anything borderline. All or nothing. Especially when it comes to stalking. Remind me to edit that last part out later…
After still dealing with Hong Kong jet lag then getting up at 6 am for a 2 1/2 hour flight to Miami for a 2 hour layover, then a 2 1/2 hour flight to Caracas, Venezuela then an hour long drive to the hotel-I was exhausted. It may sound like I’m complaining but I’m not. I’m just dramatically building up to the rest of my story. Call it showmanship.
As Dr Ellis says this is what musicians get paid for-waiting, traveling, interviews etc. We would do the music part for free. Just don’t tell anyone that.
I woke up today for a day off in beautiful Caracas, Venezuela only to be told it’s not a good idea to leave the hotel. The answer to the question ‘why?’ is met with ‘it’s just not a good idea.’
Hm. Ok..
So after all the traveling, the jet lag, the lack of sleep I decided to treat myself to a massage.
Let me start by saying that I’m not really a fan of the massage in general. I’m not super comfortable with the concept of strangers touching me. I’m not even sure how I feel about people I know touching me! Don’t get me wrong I’m not a weirdo, I like being touched by people I like to touch. Actually, scratch that. I am a weirdo and am totally comfortable with that.
As a tall cat in a small man’s world I get squished and pulled and suffer the aches and pain like everyone else.
I also always play at 110%. I admire the quiet cool of the Noel Gallaghers of the world but I know no other way. As soon as the music starts I cannot stop myself from moving.
Have you ever watched children react to music? It is awesome .They immediately start dancing. That’s how I feel when I play. I am not a dancer. I’m your standard white guy but onstage I feel it from head to toe and can’t help myself.
I am no athlete. I’m not even a mathlete so I feel like a mathlete who acted an athlete sometimes at the end of the show or the next day.
When it gets really bad I have to have a sit down with my paranoia and my phobias and reach some kind of agreement. When no other recourse can be reached we have no other choice but to seek help-get a massage or find a chiropractor.
Chiropractors don’t heebie jeebie me out as much. Probably because they inflict pain and like anyone with Irish Catholic roots you know the joy of guilt and the guilt of joy. Pain I can understand. It’s the pleasure part I’m still working on .
Wow. I’m starting to make Richard Lewis look like Perry Como. I’m also ok with that.
So anyway I suck it up and set up a massage within this building that I’m not supposed to leave. I make my way up and find this cute, little lady about, literally, half my size.
I’m, as always, in all black and she looks at me like she has just seen El Diablo. In Asia and Mexico they called me ‘vampire.’ I assume on account of my moon tan(or TV Tan-great song by the Wildhearts), black hair and blue eyes. They never used the term negatively. Rather seemingly out of curiosity.
Actually, I’m just being dramatic. She was very nice. A nice older, tiny lady.
Now any of the times I’ve gone for a massage, which is rare, they lead you to a room and let you get down to whatever you’re gonna get down to then get under a sheet on the table. They leave you alone to do this and then come in and do their thing.
Usually at this point It’s a balancing act of whether the kneading of my fatigued muscles can outweigh my discomfort of this vulnerable position I have voluntarily put myself in. Most times I am in such bad shape that the massage wins.
I always feel like I need silk robes and a mustache to fully embrace being the massage guy. I need to smell of rich lavender and sport a lion’s mane of chest hair.
I possess none of these qualities.
Where was I? Ah yes…
Usually you are left to strip down and assume the position alone but not in Venezuela. Well, not in my experience of the one time I had a massage there.
This kindly little lady just stood there and sign languaged me naked. Some people find language barriers frustrating. I am endlessly entertained by them. Almost as entertained as I am by broken and misused English.
So I start undressing in front of this kindly older lady and I have one of those moments that some women might have in an unexpected amorous situation. My underwear!
I look down and sure enough I’m standing in front of someone’s Venezuelan mother in nothing but my Underoos.
My friends know what a huge sci-fi/horror/rocknroll/comic book nerd I am so on my last birthday I received some novelty underwear. One with Superman and one with Batman. Today was a Batman day. I assume my friends probably bought them as a joke. I figure this is the closest I’m ever going to get to being Batman so I wear them! I don’t notice feeling any more confident wearing them. I think they just happened to be in my luggage and I wore them.
Does Batman wear Batman underwear? I guess we’ll never know.
So here I am-this ghostly white, giant praying mantis all limbs and skin and bone wearing Batman underwear covered in tattoos and long black hair. It’s a moment I wish could have been caught on film.
On second thought no I don’t.
She just looked at me with no shred of judgement and that was that. This tiny woman dug into me with the strength of an army of longshoremen.
What is it with tiny women that makes them so so otherworldly strong? Were they always this way or is this something gained over time? Who knows?
I’m back in my room now, a little more relaxed and will try and amuse myself within the walls of this compound.
I just imagine this wonderful little lady telling her family how she massaged a giant vampire in Batman underoos at work today.
As weird as it is at least my life is never boring, I guess.
Your loyal and humble servant,
Todd Dammit
Re: Todd Kerns- I like stuff-Blog
Slash & Perla Fans
Todd Kerns does a freakin Awesome job of Dr Alibi: http://tinyurl.com/3hrmnlb Live in Caracas (Via @SlashFrance)
Re: Todd Kerns- I like stuff-Blog
Vampire on a Day Pass
April 7th, 2011
by Todd Kerns
April 6th 2011 Rio, Brazil
April 4th is the birthday of my very first girlfriend. I always remember that. Does that earn me any points in heaven? Her name is Lana just like Superman’s 1st girlfriend and we come from a place not unlike Smallville. Happy belated birthday, Lana.
We are half way through the South American chapter of the 2011 world tour and it is already a blur. Don’t I always say I have to remember to write these things more frequently as things start to morph into one big blur?
I find myself in one of the most beautiful places imaginable. Rio De Janeiro, Brazil. After my usual morning of hotel breakfast followed by checking emails I needed to go out and take in the picturesque scene outside my hotel room window.
Without a second thought I grabbed my shades and made my way to the lobby. It wasn’t until I looked at Fitz that I realized we were completely out of sorts for this type of expedition. There is a beach right out back of our hotel and we were about to join tourists and local dressed in Brazilian style bikinis and Speedos (yes, Speedos). We were, as always, dressed head to toe in black. I never think too far ahead about these things. Summer me is very much like winter me. Add or subtract hoodie.
Oh well, what are we not gonna go out? So we wander out by the pool to find crew and fellow band members frolicking in the sun in the suitable attire. Everyone had comments.
Yes we are overdressed.
Yes we are dressed in black from head to toe which attracts heat rather than repels it.
Yes my skin is the color of fresh milk with just a hint of green.
Normally I simply burst into flames when walking outside in extreme heat. Why do I live in Vegas you may ask? I survive Canadian winters and dessert summers the same way. I do not go outside. There’s no TV and internet out there anyway.
As we wandered onto the beach amongst locals and fellow tourists alike every head turned our way.
Yes we are overdressed…see above.
A small Brazilian child casually mentioned to his friend, “#$*@_)#($*) Michael Jackson %&%(*&”
That’s one of my favorite things is listening to the english words peppered in between all the words I do not understand in any of the countries I’ve been in since Australia.
While in line at airports I hear people mumbling to each other, “&&*&)*(*_)(_)& Slash &#^@^#%@# Guns And Roses &%*&(*&%#(” which I’m sure translates to, “Hey, check it out. That’s Slash from Guns N Roses. Who the Hell is that tall, skinny, Canadian Vampire?”
Anyway, the kid figured the ghost of Michael Jackson had come back times two and decided to take a walk on the beach in Rio De Janeiro.
This is not an uncommon one. If I wear mirrored aviator sunglasses I get it all the time. You will never see me in one of those fedoras though probably for that reason.
Who knew that Michael’s look was part King Of Pop and part pale Canadian? Maybe that’s what Michael was going for.
At any rate, when last I joined you we were in Venezuela. Did you know that Ms Universe always comes from Venezuela? I didn’t either. Apparently they have the right mix of DNA to make beauty queens. I’m not surprised. The country is full of beautiful people who are some of the most friendly on the planet.
The Venezuelan show was insane. The South American audiences are some of the best in the world. Hands down. What a true pleasure.
Secretariat, the Disney film, has haunted me on most of these flights. I watched it once, I think from Florida to LA before Australia and it was great. Malkovich, Lane. Family fare. Good times. But enough with the Secretariat already. Is it the only movie these airlines have?
After a while I’d rather watch Beautician And The Beast already. No I wouldn’t. I’ve gone too far. I retract my last statement.
I watched 2 diametrically opposed films on one of these long flights. An English one and an American one. The Tourist featuring our royalty, Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp and The King’s Speech with Colin Firth and Geoffrey Rush.
Do I need to even get into this?
I suppose it’s my fault for even selecting The Tourist in the first place but you’re trapped on a tube hurtling through time and space and sometimes you just wanna not think and look at Angelina Jolie. Lesson learned. You wonder to yourself why do these people who can do anything they want sign on to do these things? The answer is because they can. These scripts are squeezed out, insert exotic locations, ‘we’ve always wanted to do a project together’ and presto-big budget emptiness.
I love Depp. He is great. He’s allowed to play around with drivel like this between doing good stuff.
I like Angelina too. Her private life eclipses her talent. Watch Girl Interrupted or Gia.
I suppose the studio probably makes it’s money back, the stars get to film in European luxury and we get to turn our brains of for 90 minutes. It’s McDonald’s for the eyes.
It would be nice to see these two do a quality film together someday. Sometimes you put two things together and they’re great like peanut butter and chocolate. Sometimes it’s like peanut butter and pickles. No thank you.
Someone is inevitably going to tell how much they love peanut butter and pickles. Good on ya, mate.
On the other hand-The King’s Speech is like fine dining. Do yourself a favor and check this one out. Yes, it’s a sleepy English film with lots of talking and no tits and explosions but you get two heavy weight actors going toe to toe. Plus Helena Bonham Carter is there and she is amazing too.
Bogota, Columbia is another wonderful, wonderful place. At the airport I learned what it must be like to be Mickey Mouse at Disneyland. The entire wait at the Bogota airport was spent smiling and grinning for the fine people of Columbia’s cameras.
Bogota rocked. These audiences are so loud. They sing every word. It is always moving when you hear people sing so passionately to songs that are not in their native tongue.
People were moved to tears at points in the show. A man in the front weeped during Slash’s Godfather Theme solo. That always gets me. It says a lot that people can be that moved by the power of music. I am honored to play even the smallest part of that.
Santiago, Chile was the biggest turn out at an airport we have experienced. All of the South American shows have had big turnouts for our arrival but Santiago was crazy. I mean it was actually a little bit scary. The people were piled around the exit and security had to move us through. Once we were in the eye of that storm they were very friendly, taking pictures and saying hello but it was pretty gnarly heading into it.
Santiago was one of the most awesome shows I have ever played. The theatre was round like a bullfighting arena so we were pretty much surrounded. There were people everywhere and they sang every word and cheered as loud as an open air festival crowd. It was a veritable religious experience. I hope they share that sentiment. I can tell you that we were all extremely moved by that show. It was the perfect storm of band and audience as one in the moment. A truly amazing experience. I hope to experience it many more times in my life!
And here we are in Rio. Guess what was playing on the flight here?
Secretariat.
Damn that horse!
Brazil promises to be the rowdiest of all, I’m told. I can’t imagine it being rowdier than what we’ve experienced to this point but I’m game!
We have just over a week before we head back to our regular lives. It’s like being at sea. We return to a world that has been changing without us in it.
I go home to my Sinners. April 15th I will be back onstage at Club Madrid in Sunset Station Casino playing our songs again. I’m excited. As one door closes another flies open.
Jimmy Crespo and Louie Merlino have covered for me these many months and I cannot thank them enough. They are truly part of our family.
If you are in Vegas please go out and tear it up with the boyz one last weekend before T-Damm is back in town. We are going to party like it’s 1989 next weekend! C U There!
Send your Ask Dammit questions and pick up the last couple of copies of Go Time! here on the site if you are so inclined.
I’m off to play a rock n roll show.
Your loyal and humble servant,
Todd Dammit
Re: Todd Kerns- I like stuff-Blog
Out Of The Frying Pan Into The Bonfire
May 2nd, 2011
by Todd Kerns
Vancouver, BC, Canada, May 2 2011
Osama Bin Laden was killed yesterday. So they say. I’m waiting for some kind of confirmation. I fear he will be like any sci-fi/comic book villain. They always seem to survive. They can bring back villains all day long in that medium with the most preposterous of explanations. I think we’re gonna need some proof.
I am in my old stomping grounds, Vancouver. Where does the term ‘stomping grounds’ come from? I don’t recall doing any stomping at all.
It is always good to come back here. It is strange to have had so much history tied up in the concrete, bricks and stone of a city only to ultimately feel a guest on its streets. I used to know everyone here. Now I am the stranger.
Vancouver is truly one of the most beautiful cities in the world and I have so many fond memories of the scene my old band and I threw ourselves into all those years ago.
Since returning back to Earth from the good ship USS Slash I have been busier than ever, People keep saying that I must be enjoying some time off but my life continues to race by at a blinding rate.
I went straight into playing shows with my band, The Sin City Sinners which is always enjoyable for me. I never rehearse anything. After 3 months I step right back in and rely on muscle memory. I’m always amazed how quickly everything returns.
So many good people that have become my family away from family to reconnect with. There truly is no place like home wherever that may be.
In my absence Jimmy Crespo and Louie Merlino covered for me while I was away. Jimmy filled in for Joe Perry in Aerosmith for 5 years. I’m sure filling in for me is a helluva lot easier. Jimmy is one of my favourite guitar players and, more importantly, one of my favourite people in the entire world.
Louie sings for Beggars And Thieves and has sung on recordings from Alice Cooper to Cher. He is the best. He is a wonderful guy and has become a very dear friend as well.
The funniest thing is there are people who discover the Sinners while I’m away. When I return I’M the new guy. I always find that hysterical.
The Sinners always have a blast. I watch That Metal Show and always see people who have jammed with us. Joey Belladonna, Cherie Currie, George Lynch, Jeff Labar… We have seen a million faces and rocked them all. Is that a Great White reference? Just kidding.
I went up to Winnipeg, Canada for a breast cancer benefit that was immensely rewarding. Brent Fitz from Slash’s band is the mayor of Winnipeg. No, not really but it seems that way. He seems to be the mayor of almost anywhere actually. Everywhere we go he has friends. Fitzy was born and raised in Winnipeg. I’ve been playing there since pre grunge. That’s how I date things. Music eras.
Needless to say it was a bit of a homecoming. We brought along my old friend Cory Churko. I have known Cory for well over 25 years. He plays with Shania Twain and Kelly Clarkson and lives in LA but he comes from Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan. His brother is another old friend of mine. Kevin, his brother, is a Vegas resident, as well. He produced the last 2 Ozzy records. Talented. family.
When I first met them they played in their family band. Mom played bass, Dad played guitar and sang, Cory played guitar, Kevin on drums and sis, Kim, on keys. How crazy is that? My band was called The Infants and we looked like girls.
Cory was 14 years old and could play anything. He was doing all the Randy Rhoads and Eddie Van Halen solos even then. It was sick. I always think of him whenever I see young players today. Cory was super advanced. It’s no surprise he does what he does today.
We had the guitar position filled and looked to a legend to round out the bass. Yes, I play bass for Slash but for the benefit I would play guitar and sing.
Streetheart are Gods amongst prarie folk in Canada. When I was growing up they were the only band that mattered. They had come from Regina, Saskatchewan and were out there releasing records and touring. They were amazing. The song ‘Hot Cherie’ covered by Hardline years later is a Streetheart song. Paul Dean, the original guitar player, went on to form Loverboy with Matt Frenette, the drummer.
Spider, Streetheart’s bass player was a legend. He was spoken of in awe. In retrospect I believe him to be one of the greatest bassists in rock history.
When Spider was suggested to play bass I was, of course, excited but never thought he would do it. Sure enough Spider was our man. I can’t believe he went for it. It was a really big deal for us small town prarie folk to play with him. If you look at the photos you can see the smiles on our faces. It was a real trip.
Oddly enough, months earlier, Cory had come to see us with Slash at the Gibson Theatre in LA. We went out for a bite and in Cory’s car we were listening to Queen City Kids, another amazing Saskatchewan band and started discussing all the great Canadian bands and songs that we loved from our youth. It was always a dream of mine to rerecord some so Americans can enjoy all this lost music. We went back and forth on all these songs by bands like Prism, Trooper, Chilliwack and so on.
When it came time to do this benefit in Winnipeg I thought it the perfect opportunity to play these songs for a Canadian prarie audience.
Spider was the taste police. He had first right of refusal and did so. In the end we played songs by Aldo Nova, Streetheart and Queen City Kids, of course, Prism, April Wine, Red Rider, Loverboy and Winnipeg’s own, The Guess Who and Neil Young. What a blast. That could not have been more fun. Honestly.
Another legendary band, Harlequin played as well.
Streetheart’s amazing front man, Kenny Sheilds, got up and did the Streetheart song, One More Time with us and tore the roof off the place. Kenny is in his 60s and is still one of the best singers ever! What a night.
Scotty and Lisa Townshend organized the benefit and it was a real honor to be able to help raise money for something so heavy. Thanx for having us, guys.
It was especially important to me as my aunt Jackie has just recently passed away from Cancer, She was an amazing woman. We miss her dearly. My heart goes out to anyone touched by such a terrible thing. The Sinners will be walking in breast cancer charity walk this Saturday as well. I hope to do whatever I can.
Winnipeg is an amazing city. I have made some great friends there. It was great to catch up with some of them while I was there.
My folks and my Aunt Joan were waiting for me at Disgraceland when I returned to Vegas. Cold Canadians sick of winter like to come to Vegas! It’s always good to have family around, my friends. Life is so short. Getting shorter all the time.
They are in Phoenix while I’m in Vancouver. Since I got back from the Slash tour I have been to Winnipeg and now Vancouver. By my own choice! I’ll sleep when I’m dead. Am I quoting Bon Jovi again? Eesh. Who knew he was such a prophet, huh?
I return this weekend for fun with the Sinners then off to LA to start the first round of preproduction on the upcoming Slash record. Yes, that’s right. I’m as excited as you are. A NEW Slash record. How exciting!
2012 is going to rock.
On Wednesday I’ll be co-hosting the 90s At Noon with my good friend, Neil Morrison, on C-Fox here in Vancouver. Check it out. It should be fun.
Always a pleasure, Stop by anytime.
Your loyal and humble servant
Todd Dammit
